Latest Entry: Nobody Understands Starr!
(Osprey’s Note: Inspired by my Nobody Understands Me article, Starr took it upon herself to perform an in depth exploration of the Emo culture. She now presents to us what she believes is an accurate portrayal of an emo’s thought process. All errors are left uncorrected to allow for authenticity. Starr has informed me that during her research she became so disgusted with what she found that she almost choked on her own vomit. So please keep in mind that this post very nearly cost our beloved Starr her life.)
Current mood: trapped in the dark silence of despair
Losing you shall ever mark my wrists, i think as i hand the tray to the man standing on the other end of the counter. i stare silently at the till for a moment and wonder if he realizes how his happiness in being served dinner only serves to further the dark seething pit of loneness deep in my heart. i poured my heart into bringing that coldcut combo to being and now i watch as it leaves me, everything leaves me. i feel tears well up and i quickly brush my hair over my eyes and try to smile, sometimes its easier to smile. its easier than facing the black depths of despair mirrored back in the eyes of those around you. i ask my supervisor if i can go out back for a few minutes, barely able to choke back a sob of pain from the heart wrenching loss i have just suffered. i guess she could hear feel the barely contained emotion in my voice and said “Only for 15minutes, okay.” i walk away.
her kindness made me want to cry
i sat alone on the back step, lost in grief, wishing for a way to rise out of the waves of crushing despair that were crashing onto my soul. through my tear filled eyes i noticed a freshly dropped piece of gum on the ground near the steps. i stared at it intently, barely able to keep from trembling. that gum was just like me in a way. someone had taken it out of its safe place and used it for their own happiness then callously smashed it to the ground, crushing it underfoot. like me it is alone, trapped in gloomy agony, suffering the horror of being cast aside by everyone and everything.
the gum mirrors my own broken, jagged, bleeding soul.
i think back to earlier in the day. on the way to work i saw an old man sitting on a bench at the bus stop. he looked so happy, so content. i wonder if he is actually more like me, just trying to carry on life looking like everythings ok, but really on the inside a festering pool of blackness. perhaps he is on that bench because his love left him alone in this world? is he so sad that its all he can do to smile, grin and bear it, or risk falling into the dark madness clutching at his heart. if that is the true, then we are kindred spirits. i too had my love leave me.
his smile, his false grin, makes my heart weep
i remember her well, we were suppose to have so much together. it was supposed to be perfect, yet she left me. i remembered her on herr last day of life, so full of energy, it made my heart swell just being with her. when i found her there, lifeless, i just cried. i just wish i could go back in time and change it all so she stay mine and still be alive. i still havent met anyone like her, it was so hard, i was barely able to push the plunger down to flush. like the old man on the bench, i yearn to embrace you one more time, to have you here just for one more moment. you haunt my dreams, my waking thoughts i wish you were here to help me through this pain, to help us through the pain. Bubbles the goldfish, im so lonely without you. i will love you forever.
Bubbles RIP jun 12-23/2008
i go back to work, my feet heavy with loss and sorrow. i wonder whats the point in ever trying to be happy when the very pursuit of happiness is what makes you miserable. why is it if you love someone so much, it will actually hurt more. how come that in life, the person that brings out the best in you and the one that makes you strong is actually your weakness and always ends up cutting deep bloody gashes into your soul. i wonder if i am as important as everyone else, how come i have to wear a nametag that says i am new, if i am truely important would they not know my name already?
Shrouded in agony and darkness
FallenStarr
